The Gofer Shooter

Don the 50 year old roaming gypsy from Bristol was my travelling companion for the next week. A great guy who was a mountaineer and has some very funny stories about his travels and when he was a hippie in the 70s. I planned out route which would take us north of Vegas around the desert before heading back to the boarders of California to the National Park of Death Valley before coming back to Vegas for one night.

We picked up the car from the airport which seem to take forever as the queues at Dollar Car Hire were so long. After a couple of hours of waiting we picked up the car, a far better car than the Butch White Bear we had in San Fran. It was a Nissan and so far was the only car I couldn’t think of a name for as it was a rather generic car. This was the first time I have
1. Driven an automatic.
2. Driven in another country on the left.

So you can see I WAS SHITTING my pants, but really after getting out of Vegas it wasn’t that hard to drive in the US as the roads are so straight and the traffic was light for the four days we were travelling for.

So let me tell you more about the route. The loop road around the Desert hold some interesting secrets and some great history. It is home to the US Army and Air Force so much of the land is off limits to the public. We have come this far in to the middle of nowhere to see the top secret army base which the US Army still deny exists. We all know it as Area 51 or Dreamland which in the past has bought UFO enthusiast from all over the world to gaze in to the nights sky hoping to see something unexplained. The base has had many other conspiracy theories such as this is where they faked the moon landing. Looking at the terrain of the desert is quite plausible as in some places its very moon like, Not that I’ve been to the moon but you know what i mean. Area 51 is also to be said a secret test ground for new aeroplanes and weapons such as the Blackbird and Stealth bomber. The desert was also a test ground for the Nuclear bombs in the 1950s and also there are a few mountains around the desert holding all the nuclear waste that the US produces until its safe to destroy it all in a few million years time. So you can see with all this radioactive material floating around in the air if I come out glowing or growing an extra nipple I’ve done pretty well out of it.

The first stop was the tiny town of Rachel which only survives because its the closest town to Area 51. I say town but really with a population of 96 people and the Inn which is also the towns restaurant, shop, post office and bar. The fact is there are only a handful of houses scatted around the town, the rest of the people live in the local trailer park around the back of the Inn. Still its a friendly little town and people are always excited to meet people from a different world. This is the most wackiest place I’ve been to so far in the US if not the world. The inn named The Little Alie’inn was where we were going to lay our heads down for the night.

Our sorting out our trailer which was very comfy and cheaper than the Vegas hostel we went back in to the Inn to hang out with the locals and find out more information about Area 51. Looking around the the bar/shop between all the aliens, UFOs and conspires theory’s on the wall there is also the famous people that have been here. The only ‘famous’ person I recognized was Montel Williams, the Jerry Springer wannabe, most of the ‘famous’ people were test pilots for the top secret planes like the Stealth and the Black Bird. We propped ourselves up at the bar and started to have a few drinks, there was another couple of guys who work for a Dutch TV station who were making a documentary about the area. They didn’t say much or stay long so we were left alone with the locals.
There were only a few locals in there that Saturday night and the more drunk we got the more we found out about the area. The bar tender a black dude also named Don who had lived in Rachel for the last 10 years had many stories about all the people who come here, I asked him in the 10 years if he had seen anything strange, thinking that living there for 10 years he must have seen something

“I’ll tell you what I’ve seen, Ive seen Jack Shit, all I’ve heard are…” BANG smashes his hand on the bar “the sonic booms and shock waves of them dropping bombs all over the place”.
We carried on drinking with the chef and his wife who was picking out a new tattoo for her hubby. Asking if he had any already he proudly showed us his American Eagle on his shoulder. You start to realise how patriotic Americas can be in this State when you see stuff like that. I value my life so I wasn’t going to show my hatred for their President and if they asked me what I thought of him I would tell them he was an amazing man. The evening continued and slowly we found ourselves downing Tequila slammers mixed with vodka and the house cocktail called a ‘Chera 51′. I’m not sure what was in it but it tasted great.
I asked how we could get to the boarder of Area 51, Don look at us and the conversation seem to turn serious for a sec. Pointing outside like we were out to hunt a monster in a horror film he tells us…… “You must go down the long road for 20 miles, at the point you see THE BLACK POST BOX you must take a right in to the desert, follow the dirt track for another 20 mile and you shall be at the gates of……dun dun darrrr….. Dreamland”
The funniest and most bizarre part of the night was when I asked them what the 96 people of Rachel did for jobs. Don explained most people who live here are retired or work on the farm down the road. An old chubby gentleman who was standing behind the bar drinking his Bud Light and had not said a word all night suddenly pipped up in a really strange accent mumbling “I’m a gofer shooter, the only one in town” Surely that is one of the strangest jobs I have come across on this trip so far. It was amusing and found it so hard not to laugh because he reminded me so much of the mumbling guy from the cartoon ‘King of the Hill’.
After a couple more Chera 51s we staggered to our trailer to hit the sack. Its funny, who would have thought a tiny bar in the middle of nowhere could be so much fun. I had more fun that night then my whole stay in Vegas.

Waking up with a hangover we quickly moved back to the bar for breakfast. After an amazing Denver omelet ‘Onions and Potato’s’ we headed out to find Area 51 remembering what Don had said the night before ‘You must go down the long road for 20 miles, at the point you see THE BLACK POST BOX you must take a right in to the desert, follow the dirt track for another 20 mile and you shall be at the gates of……dun dun darrrr….. Dreamland’ No joke, in the middle of nowhere there really is a black postbox, I have no idea who owns it or what it is but its there. Continuing up the dirt track and driving a ‘bit’ fast with a cloud of dust behind us we where suddenly overtaken by a Police pick up truck that was speeding in the same direction as us. When we got to the gates which is basically loads of signs telling you not to take photos or cross the line as you will be put in prison for 1 year or a $5000 fine…… But being Area 51 I had to take a few photos and there was a fair few tourists doing the same.

On top of the hill not to far away from the boarder was a black SUV keeping an eye on everyone, these have been named ‘The Men in Black’ by the UFO nuts. The Police Truck that over took us earlier was just over the otherside of the boarder talking to two teenagers on motorbikes that had ridden over the line on to the base. Now I know its all a bit of fun calling this place Area 51 and people want to see it but still you have obey the law as it is a Military base. These kids should have known better and also there mum and dad were on the with us in there SUV which I noticed the number plate was from Nevada so what on earth were they thinking letting them ride around the area? Once the police man had finished talking to them he went over to the mum and dad telling them that they had been arrested for trespassing and that they would have to pay a massive fine.

Just as we were about to go I heard the Cop shout at me ‘Excuses me Sir’ Shit, was I going to be in trouble for taking photos? Am I just about to be handed a massive fine as well? No, basically he told me off for driving to fast in the desert and that he he saw me do it again I would get fine. OOPS, so on the way back i drove a very boring 20 miles an hour back to the black post box. In all my life of driving my I have never been stopped by the cops, I’ve only been driving in the US for 2 days and I’m already in trouble with the law.

The next destination was Cathedral Canyon, reading about it in the lonely planet they said it small Grand Canyon so we thought we would check it out. It was rather neat but at the same time very small.

After that we drove north up the Extraterrestrial Highway which is a 90 mile stretch of road from Rachel to the main Highway.

People over the years have replaced the speed limit signs with there own saying things like ‘Warp Speed 7′ but we could find any of them which was a disappointment. The weather was closing in and for the first time in ages we had rain and wind. This made the route a little more scary especially when you go passed building like these, its right out of a horror film or something.

After find a motel in a small truckers town we set off early a couple of days touring around Death Valley.

Once in the park the the road descend rapidly in to the valley, the road drops from the 6000 feet to below sea level in a few minutes. At the base of the mountains the colours change in to in to a rainbow of colours, again more surreal landscapes of the world. Before we hit the valley floor we went to have a look at a extincted volcano, I’ve seen many old volcano’s on this trip but this one was far the most impressive, it wasn’t the biggest one I had seen but the colours of the rock and the landscape it had created around it was so impressive.

Death Valley really took me by surprise, in my mind all i thought it was going to be was desert and I was going to be sweating my arse off all day as it is one of the hottest places on earth. Its the hottest place in America and I think its the third hottest place in the world. The record temperature in the 1920s reached 58 degrees. Ouch!

At the bottom of the valley the landscape is forever changing, one minute I’m taking photos of sand dunes and the next minute we are standing on salt flats.

The last place for the day was another mine, this again was another gold and silver mine in the 1920s and was one of the most successful at that time. Great to photography when the sun went down. Sometimes I wish I had a DSLR and a tripod. My pocket digital never does it justice.

We ended up at the small town of Beatty which is back up at 6000 feet. My body must wonder what the hell is going on with all this change in altitude. A year ago I was at sea level pushing buttons at UKTV. Now its been up to 5180 meters and then 3 months later its gone 285 meters below sea level.
Beatty is a strange little town just on the outside of the park, I say strange as it has one casino were locals seem to spend all there hard cash on the slots but the most random and little bit disturbing about the town were all the…… ammo crates in all shapes and sizes lining the main street. I’m not sure why you would want to buy empty ammo or why so many people were selling them but the only thing I could think about was…. if there were this many EMPTY cases……. where are all the bullets that were in them? Is this a trigger happy gun totting town that doesn’t like anyone who is local? We were just about to find out when we went for a drink at the local watering hole, yep it was just like being in a Western Film. Old men propping up the bar intrigued about this two foreigners branding a laptop trying to get a wifi signal, I’m not sure why I thought I would get a wifi signal in there but people were looking over to it like it was magic or something. By the way if you ever go to Beatty go to this bar (Its the only one in town) and see if my dollar bill is still stapled to the wall with the words ‘Random Sam loves you’ written on it.

The next day it was back in to the Valley to see the things we had missed, We went to Badwater Basin which is the lowest place in America. The salt flats are pretty amazing and as you drive further around the flats the salt changes in to massive rock salt balls.

The thing I loved about the park was the roads, they were so straight and seem to go on forever, I love taking photos of roads like this, i must have a 100 photos of the same bloody road just at different heights and exposures.

On the way out of the park we had one final stop which was these crazy rock formations, you can see how big they are by the people hiking on them on the left of this photo.

I wish I saw this formation at sun rise as I bet the sun light on them would look beautiful.

On the way out we stopped at THE DEVILS HOLE, now everything interesting and spectacular is called DEVILS something but not this place. After a 1/2 hour ride down a dirt track we finally get to a hole the size of paddling pool in the side of a hill which is gated off, the disappointment in everyones eyes that we met at the pool said it all. The only reason its on the bloody map is because its is of ‘scientific importance’ there are 2.5mm fish that only live in this pool and nowhere else in the world. Utter Rubbish!

Back to Vegas (oh joy) to drop the car back and go out one last time. Would this night be any good? hell yes. We started drinking in the English pub and making our own cocktails up. Mine was called a Vegas Virgin.

How to make a Vegas Virgin
1 shot of Vodka
1 shot of Almond liquor
Topped up and blended together with Ice Cream

We then headed to the Irish casino (how classy are we?) as we saw they had beer pong tables. Don and I just wanted to play each other but there was a competition going on. Basically the winner stays on, oh my god this is like a film…. but i promise its all true.

These two loud mouth Americans with all there girlfriends and friends hanging off them had been winning all night so they challenge us to a game. Knowing we didn’t have a chance as we had both only played beer pong once before in our life’s we knew we didn’t stand a chance.
The game started and this loud mouth America tells us ‘ You Australians have no chance because…..’ unbuttoning his shirt, to revel his t-shirt which the words ‘CHAMP’ printed on it. At that point they all high 5 each other and the game began.
The loud American missed plenty of times and so did Don and I. The other guy on the team scored every time on the first 5 goes. This delighted the crowd with chants toward us “U-S-A, U-S-A” and “YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK”. Then just like in a film the amazing thing happen, Don scored and scored again till we were down to the last cup on each side. The whole of the back of the pub was now focus on our game and both sides were now wanting to win so bad. The pressure was on and it was my turn to throw and just like a film in slow motion…….. it went in the cup…….USA was crushed and England won!!!! we both jumped in the air, hugging each other like we had just won the World Cup or something. It was crazy, I’ve never won anything before in my life. To be fair to the Yanks they did buy us a round of drinks for winning and it was all good natured fun. Still that’s what you get calling us Aussies.

So that’s was it, my final night in the hell hole of Vegas and it turned out to be a great night. The next stop is Flag Staff where I was going to meet some very, very important guests for the next leg of the American tour.

See you next week.

P.S the here is the list and tips for this part of the world

1. Rachel, make sure you stay at the Little Ale’inn, its one crazy place. Who would have thought I would have so much fun there.
2. Death Valley is one incredible place, you could spend a whole week there and not get bored.
3. Look out of the old Ghost Town of Rhyolite, its near Beatty. A mad artist once lived there and now there is an outside galley with all manner of crazy sculptures that you can walk amongst.